Election Day.
Archive for the 'Satire/Humor' Category
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RALEIGH(THF)-In a surprise move on Wednesday, Governor Mike Easley tapped 850 the Buzz radio personality and blogger Joe Ovies for the newly created position, Director of Fan Base Animosity. Governor Easley created the new cabinet level post by executive order on Wednesday, citing the state’s need to ensure the rivalries between local college fan bases remain strong.
“Our local college teams are a source of great entertainment for North Carolina citizens and the fires of hatred which exist between the fans of these teams must remain strong,” said Easley, “With the weakened state of the athletic department at NC State, we need to be sure that feelings of sympathy do not creep into the hearts of ECU, UNC and Duke fans. I firmly believe Mr Ovies can effectively prevent this from happening.”
Along with his duties as chief enforcer of the local rivalries, Ovies will also be using his acerbic wit to take critical shots at the prominent coaches and players to stir the passions of the respective fan bases further. Easley said that having fans in North Carolina frothing at the mouth over their respective schools will lead to increases sales for local business specializing in team paraphernalia as well as an uptick in business for sports bars and ticket sales for home games.
“We firmly believe if we can get people angry and passionate about their teams they will spend money like there is no tomorrow. Mr Ovies has clearly shown a talent in arousing these kind of passions and should meet the Governor’s goals fairly handily.” said a spokesman for Governor Easley’s office.
Critics of the new post call it a waste of state resources and say such things are best left in the private sector. Some lawmakers in the General Assembly also express misgivings that the new appointed director will be unduly critical of one school over another. When asked about any possible bias Mr Ovies my have, the Governor’s spokesman simply laughed and said,
“There is no danger of that, Joe Ovies hates everyone’s posse.”
Let me just say that as much as I love the job Roy has done with UNC over the past five years and despite my own incredible ineptitude in this particular area, it has to be said that he honestly wears some ugly ties. There is just no other way to put it.
Anyway, 850 the Buzz has posted a song parody of The Eagles “Lying Eyes” with a video that highlights some of Roy’s, shall we say, more interesting tie choices over the years.
Greensboro(THF)-Veggie Tales actor, Bob the Tomato, has filed a lawsuit in Federal court seeking an injunction against North Carolina State head basketball coach Sidney Lowe from donning his red blazer versus North Carolina on Saturday. Citing Federal trademark law, Mr. Tomato’s attorney, Archibald Asparagus, asserts that Lowe’s wearing of the red blazer during basketball games constitutes trademark infringement given the Wolfpack coach bears an uncanny likeness to Veggie Tales star. The lawsuit also states that Lowe and his employer North Carolina State benefited both monetarily and competitively through this infringement and have asked the court for an immediate cease and desist order. Individuals close to Bob, including fellow Veggie Tale actor Larry the Cucumber say that their friend was initially flattered by Lowe’s impersonation of him but that feeling quickly disappeared after the Wolfpack lost to East Carolina.
“All he could talk about was how he did not want to be associated with a program that lost to a second tier conference team with no basketball history.” Larry said. “Between you and me, it was the 20-17 deficit at halftime against Presbyterian that really did it. I mean, it was the Blue Hose for goodness sake, how do you trail a 1-17 team at halftime?”
Larry indicated that Bob was not interested in money nor did he have any ill feelings towards NC State, but just did not want his reputation ruined.
“He was so afraid that one of his fans was going to see Lowe wearing the blazer in a game where NC State was getting drubbed and think that he was coaching the team.” stated the cucumber. “Bob takes these things very seriously.”
Neither Sidney Lowe or NC State were available for comment.
In light of Bob’s legal foray, Laura the Carrot is also considering her own litigation against Clemson coach Oliver Purnell.
Standard disclaimer: Yeah it’s a joke people.
Apologies to Ted Roof on this one but everyone knows he is a dead man walking at this point.
Tar Heel Wife is a huge reality TV show fan so I have seen enough of them to know that they will make a reality show about almost anything. So in light of this incredible willingness to exploit people using the most asinine idea let me propose the following:
Given the state of Duke football and the possibility that is going to be tough getting any good coach to step into the smelly pile of feces which is Blue Devil football I suggest the next head coach in Durham should be found using a reality TV show. Honestly, what do the Devils have to lose at this point? Take 10-20 head coaches from high school, D-I-AA, II and III and pit them in a series of competitions to test their skills as a head coach with America voting to decide who goes home. You can get a three person judging panel which almost certainly would have to include either Bobby Bowden or Joe Paterno as the witty but brutal overcritical voice on the panel. Bob Davie would be a good choice so he can give us constant comparisons to how he did things at Notre Dame before they summarily dismissed him and you could round out the panel with the AD from Florida since it is painfully obvious to the rest of us he is one of the few ADs in the country who knows what he is doing.
Whoever wins the competition would get a five year contract and the satisfaction of knowing America voted him to take over the worst program in I-A college football.
I am shocked no one at ESPN has thought of this.
Note: Originally posted June 2nd, 2006.
A 13 year old girl from New Jersey has won the Scripps Spelling Bee. Katharine Close spelled some word which she will probably never again use in her life but hey it was good for the gold last night. Close beat out Finola Mei Hwa Hackett of Canada and Saryn Hooks of Taylorsville, NC who got royally screwed by the judges for saying she missed a word she actually spelled right. Now how does that happen? Don’t the judges have the word in front of them? I am unsure how she can spell the word correctly and the judges dismiss her when one would think they have the word written down in front of them? Also, I did not know there was instant replay in the Scripps Spelling Bee. Apparently it is more like the college football system where the officials make the call. Can you imagine the excitement if the parents could challenge like NFL coaches do?
Because it is a competition ESPN usually covers the Bee and for the first time ABC showed it in prime time. I actually could do with even more sports related references during the Bee which would undoubtedly make it more entertaining:
Actually I think there are others which are funnier than the one I did but feel free to drop by The Wizard of Odds and cast your vote for my billboard in the contest over there.
(Hat tip to reader Dan)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Local police in New Jersey have announced they are monitoring a hostage situation involving several Georgetown students and former Hoya basketball player Fred Brown. According to witnesses, Brown who arrived in East Rutherford to attend the NCAA East Regional Final was spotted by a group of Hoya students who immediately rushed the former player and forced him into a white van outside his hotel. Police received word from the kidnappers two hours later saying they were holding Brown and demanded that Brown be removed to a location far enough away from the arena as not to “screw Georgetown out of another NCAA Tournament.”
“There was no ransom demand or any request for money only the demand that Brown be taken out of the juristiction” said police spokesman Jason Connolley. “We responded that we would be unable to fufill such a request”
Connolley went on to say that the kidnappers stated they would simply hold Brown at an undisclosed location until 7:30 PM when they would be glad to release him. Brown, who was the starting point guard for the 1982 NCAA runner-up Georgetown team is often held responsible for the Hoyas’ loss since he mistakenly passed the ball to UNC forward James Worthy in the waning seconds with his team trailing by one. The miscue cost the Hoyas even an opportunity to attempt a game winning shot and effectively sealed UNC’s national championship.
Despite rumors swirling around the arena, police denied any involvement by former Georgetown center Patrick Ewing, father of current Hoya player Patrick Ewing, Jr. or former coach John Thompson who is also father of current head coach John Thompson III. According to one eyewitness, Ewing was seen speaking with a small group of Hoya supporters after seeing Brown outside the hotel. Ewing could not be reached for comment but issued a statement saying he is praying for the safe return of Brown and is hoping the kidnappers check the uniforms of the people they deliver Brown to before they actually release him.
“Obviously emotions are still running high after all these years” Connolley said, “then again if I had a teammate throw the ball to someone on the other team despite the fact they were clearly wearing white uniforms and we had dark gray on I cannot say how I might react”
Former Hoya player Allen Iverson was automatically included as a suspect as a matter of policy and then excluded when it was discovered he was in Colorado.
Standard Disclaimer: This is a parody news article.
NC State has wowed the world with two games where they shot such an unbelievable clip you almost thought something was rigged. Against UNC on February 3rd, the Pack shot 76% in the second half making 13 of 17 shots. Against Virginia Tech on Sunday, NC State shot 66% for the game and 73% from behind the arc.
My theory(insert tongue in cheek) is that Sidney Lowe is in possession of some sort of magic elixir which Jim Valvano used in 1983 when NC State went on their run to the national title. There was not much of it to begin with and Valvano had to use it in copious amounts to get through that season. In the following years he used it one or twice more, the most notable instance was the 1987 ACC Championship game which saw a Wolfpack team with a losing ACC record knock off a Tar Heel team that had not lost in the ACC that year. Apparently what was left of the elixir was either lost over the next 20 years or only Sidney Lowe knew where Valvano kept it.
The question is whether he plans on using it again Wednesday night and if Roy’s Coke is enough to overcome it?
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